Not much of an update

Wednesday, Oct. 06, 2004 at 6:02 p.m.

Mom and I aren't really talking presently. I went to bed feeling bad last night, but when I woke up I was more pissed than anything. Pissed that she threw one of her tantrums circa a-5-year-old. Pissed that she would yell at me, and then tell me that's not what she was saying. Especially pissed in her lack of support. So now.. whatever. I'm going to apply to where I want to go and do what I have to do in order to get in, if that means working 138718093 jobs to do it. I'm trying to keep telling myself that a few years of sarcrifice for a career I know I'll love is totally worth it, especially if I have the love and support from people such as my girl Jenn, and of course, my Joseph. (And you guys too!!)

I also keep trying to tell myself one of the points I brought up to my mother - That other people do what I'm doing on a lot less and with far more complications. And I'm sure it sucks every step of the way, but in the end, they're the ones that are experienced, perceptive, and above all, thankful and happy to be as successful as they are. I'm determined to not end up like my mother and lots of other adults that I know - working a job they hate for X number of years, and then realizing that 20 years flew by and being too old to really go after what they WANTED to do all along. (Or at least, extremely unmotivated to do so for fear of change)

That's not me. I want to be successful. I want to help people. I want to make a difference, even if it's only to a couple people at a time. And above all, I don't want to lose my zest for life. That sounds corny, but it's true.

I really wish I could see Joe tonight, 'cause Lord knows I could sure use some time in his arms. He has a gig in White Plains that I was contemplating going to, but it's really too late and at any rate, I don't really have the money for travelling expenses just to see him do a restaurant gig. (Those always get pricey, 'cause then I feel compelled to order something, and then I need a drink, etc) Anyhow, I wouldn't really get to spend any time with him specifically, and then I'd get home at like 3am tomorrow morning. Not so good for getting up at 6am for work. Bah.

But I'll get to see him tomorrow, so I guess I can wait.

I'm gonna go find some food and make some coffee. I wish my mother would quit acting like a spoiled teenager and just move on from our fight last night, even if she doesn't agree with me. It's terribly uncomfortable living in a space with someone who gives you uncomfortable hurt/angry glares and won't speak unless it's to snap...

*sigh*

Much Love,
YjaxieY

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