Venting

Tuesday, Sept. 21, 2004 at 5:55 p.m.

Feelin' a little down lately, maybe that has something to do with it. It could really be a number of things, which I'll get off my chest in a minute. (Yeah, it might get long, just to warn you.. That tends to happen when I'm sorting things out in my head) Or maybe it could be from the Accutane. But as long as that isn't making me suicidal, I can deal with moodiness. Heheh,

I guess the biggest reason for my "eh"-ness is because I'm sort of at a weird, slightly "blah" place in my life. Or so I feel like it, anyway.

For starters, I'm in transition with school. This is my last semester, which is kind of stressful because 1) I'm anxious to be done and get out so I can move on, but 2) I'm not really motivated, even though I know I should be. Plus, I have a SHITLOAD of papers coming up, and it's kind of intimidating, and putting me in a not-so-happy place. Not to mention the fact that I have to apply to Nursing schools still. And that costs money. And there's always the possibility I might get rejected, which freakin' sucks. (Of the 8 or so schools I've applied to over the course of my college career this far, I only didn't get into one: Boston U, which I didn't expect to get into with my HS grades, and couldn't afford anyway) But we'll save those utterances for another day.

Then I think about Joe and I. I love him dearly - and don't get me wrong, things are positively BLISSFUL between us. But sometimes I get so insecure, like when he's down at Purchase 2 or 3 days a week now (which I know he has to be to rehearse and make connections, etc) and is playing with other people, even girls. That's just fucking retarded, isn't it? But it makes me kind of jealous. Because I am insecure and do worry about him either a) fucking someone else down there, especially since he and I can't have sex right now, or b) leaving me for someone more funny/pretty/interesting than me.

To tie in with that, it's like, he and I have been together almost 2 years now. 2 years is a very long time, relatively speaking, and the more I fret about losing him, the more it occurs to me how much it would kill me if that ever happened. And a part of me wants to run away from him and never take that chance, but I know that's stupid, and that "great love and great success both involve great risk". *sigh*

And I feel really boring lately. Especially when I compare myself to my other friends, or the girl musicians Joe is playing with, because I don't really DO anything besides work and school. I want to, so desperately, but I either don't have the money to, or am too focused on school right now to care. I just don't want to become a "stick-in-the-mud."

Also kind of pressing on me is another jealousy spoke. Joe and I have been together about 2 years now. We talk about marriage all the time, and we both agree that now isn't really the right time to do it. Which I'm definitley cool with, and don't mind at all. But I can't help but feel jealous when my friends are starting to get engaged, especially after dating guys for a shorter time then I've been with Joe. Megan and Maynard (who's wedding I was in) are an exception, since they have a baby girl to contend with now. But this girl in my Mom's office, her and her boyfriend got engaged on their one-year anniversary (the day after mine and Joe's actually) and are getting married this weekend. One of my friends from HS just got engaged, and although I'm not sure how long they've been dating or living together, I don't think it's quite as long. I wish them all the best, don't get me wrong, but it kind of makes me a little jealous to see them all moving on with the next phase of their lives, while I'm still stuck in this one where I go to college, and probably will be for another couple years at least. *sigh*

To top it all off, I think I'm just moody because I haven't been able to enjoy close physical contact with Joe lately. (Don't worry, I won't be graphic here!) He and I can't have sex, or rather, he won't because he doesn't want to use condoms, and if we're having sex while I'm on the Accutane, we have to be using 2 methods of birth control since there's a 100% chance of birth defects in an unborn baby. But that's OK, more or less, because our emotional bond is even stronger than our physical one, so we can get through a few months without actually HAVING sex. But then when I had my cold sore, we couldn't even freakin' kiss. And that's just so intimate, and I love making out with him, and it just wasn't a possibility... *sigh* Luckily I'm better now, though, so maybe when I see him tomorrow I'll start to feel better.

OK. I've definitley made this long enough. I'm sorry. Thanks for letting me get that off my chest. :)

Much Love,
YjaxieY

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