A good mood jaxie is nothing to sneeze at

Monday, Sept. 13, 2004 at 6:07 p.m.

It wasn't really anything out of the ordinary. From the beginning, I've always had slightly odd/mildly upsetting dreams in which Joe leaves me, or finds someone else, or just totally is an ass to me for no reason. My own insecurities and dilemmas, I suppose, but I'm better at dealing with them now and reading them for what they are.

Anyhow, it was your typical dream... or rather, my typical dream. It basically involved Joe ignoring me for other girls and not caring about me at all, til finally I got so fed up I lashed out, which in turn ended our relationship. And when I woke up, it hurt. My heart literally, physically, was in pain over the thought of losing him.

That's when it really sunk in how scary it is to completely give your heart to someone. I mean, not half-heartedly, like most people do. But completely, to the point where you're willing to risk such an extreme pain that it shouldn't ever be felt in actuality.

That's really just a random thought. I love Joseph so incredibly much, and that in itself scares me. But like anything, what scares me the most is losing him.. I feel the pain that comes when I even THINK about what it might be like, and then I realize how intense it could potentially be - and how people, like my mother, must've felt when they were faced in that situation. God bless their strength. I hope I never have to find it.

But that was merely a side note :o)

I've spent a lot of time on Food TV's website. I love recipies. Hell, I'd even love to cook, if it weren't for the fact that I'm completely uninspired by my kitchen. (The stove is in an akward place, and my mother has had the same pots and pants for like 18 years now, so it's really a trial to get the creative juices flowing) But I figure when Joe and I move in together, and eventually end up getting married, I might feel inspired. The "wifey" lifestyle kind of appeals to me - so long as I can have my career, too. :o)

I'm in a good mood today, really. Interesting how Fall brings that out in me. Kind of like Spring, and the beginning of Summer.

Nothing too exciting is planned for this evening. I'm going to do some major house-cleaning, when I get around to it - Getting rid of lots of paper and things I don't use/need anymore. I'm in the process of getting ready to re-arrange my rom. It's just about that time again, where I need a little change.

And then afterwards, I think some reading will be in order. I might even be really productive, woo-hoo!

So enough outta me. :o)

Much Love,
YjaxieY

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